steven wright quotes

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists – They don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

Any distance is walking distance if you have the time.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I was lying in bed next to my girlfriend and she asked me, “If you could know when and how you were going to die, would you want to?” I said, “No.” She said, “Forget it then.”

I went to a garage sale. “How much for the garage?” “It’s not for sale.”

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that kind of time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Why is it that it's a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Someone's making a penny.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is. It's always room temperature.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?